Hello. My name is Sarah D. Love and this is my blog.
I'm a former porn/NSFW artist and have various diagnosed mental disorders which I'm now in treatment for. Among them are major depression and anxiety disorders. I've admitted myself into rehab groups for sex and porn addiction. I've also been addicted to social media and fame, which I still sometimes struggle with but am trying to disconnect myself more and more from. I'm not 'cured' and I still struggle daily. But, I'm a little better than before and have more clarity on my situation.
It sounds really silly now, but I thought for a long time that porn and making porn for others where "helpful". I used to think that if you watch porn, you get your 'sexual primal release' or whatever and then you can go on about your day. That everybody does it, and that it is just some inherent human need. That I just had a high sex drive and not the fact that I was addicted to it. But, I want to make one thing clear: The more you watch it the stronger the need gets.
More and more research done by sexologist and psychologists do in fact link excessive porn use as addictive behavior and that more and more people do in fact struggle with this. When treating different paraphillias for example, a lot of sexologists have had patients come in to them and tell them that they believe if they just watch it, they will not act on it. But this isn't true, they say. The more you watch that type of content, the stronger the urge gets.
Sex, in reality, is a very social thing. A lot of porn makes it strictly physical and into a product. Now, I'm not personally saying that all kinds of porn, NSFW work and erotica is bad. But just like alcohol and milder drugs, some people can handle it and others cannot. I am one of those that can't handle it, unfortunately. I have to accept this and the fact that I need help. It's embarrassing, but it is what it is.
You know what is kind of funny? I haven't even have had sex with anyone yet. Porn was my substitute for that connection. I was afraid of people, both for them actually seeing me and the fact that I thought I would somehow hurt them if I had sex with them. I used to think "How can I be a sex addict if I haven't even had sex yet?" but it was all denial. If you are addicted to porn you qualify to the sex addict anonymous meetings, I highly recommend you just check them out and see if you can relate to any of them. You don't have to say much or anything at all in certain meetings. Just listen to people and realize that you are not alone with this problem.
This blog is my little art project of sorts, you could say. Send me an ask to sarahdlove@proton.me and I post it on this blog with your question and answer. Completely anonymous. It can be a thought, advice, question or something else. I am in no way a proffesional in any way but I thought that this project might make you, me and people like us feel a little less alone.
If you want to, you can note which country you are from. To notice that this is a worldwide issue. But other than that you will be kept anonymous. I will only otherwise post which date it was posted.
There are some links further down this website in which you can find various support groups for sex addiction, mental health disorder etc. I highly recommend that you reach out for help with whatever you are struggling with. Both through rehab and professional help.
Send a message to: sarahdlove@proton.me
POSTS
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5 August 2026
Sarah D. Love: This morning, I wasn't feeling good. The thought of death felt like a relief to me. I went to the bathroom and then came back to bed. Trying to calm myself down. I started looking up things online like "why does death feel like a relief to me?" and "would people be sad if I killed myself?"
Now, despite my depressed state of mind, I am somewhat aware of which stories I should avoid reading. Like the ones who want to paint it like I should kill myself. Especially with reddit, you know how death-happy and "pro-euthanasia" that website can be. No, I wanted to look for stories on how it genuinly would affect people. 99% of all those stories spoke of the intense grief and shock they felt when it happened, and the resulting trauma it had. Even if it was someone they barely knew. Sometimes it was someone close to them like a best friend or family member. How they never forget about it. Some people say they can understand that they must have been in such intense mental suffering that they feel relief that they don't suffer anymore, but still miss them every single day.
There was one story in particular that stuck out to me for some reason. It was about how their 90+ year old grandfather who had committed suicide. Apparently he had lost his wife and a couple of children. I don't know why, but, depression, anxiety and suicide among seniors and elders is something that really makes me...sad. It is apparently quite a common thing. I've heard people talk about this stuff like "They are going to die anyway, just let them choose and end their suffering." Some argue that it is the humane thing to do. I think that maybe there are some good arguments for this. But I'm also wondering...why? Why have we, as a society, come to the point of categorising ourselves so much that we want to just end peoples lives? One of the reasons it kind of disturbs me is because that same argument has been done in the past for pretty much anyone with a disability. Rather than helping them, society would rather discard them as they are seen as "unwanted". Isn't it kind of fucked up that we now look at elders as "unwanted"? Doesn't their age, no matter who they are, tell amazing stories? I don't know, maybe it's rich comming from me considering that I sometimes long for death. But it is different when you think of others. I try and apply that same logic to me. I've heard about people talking about working with people to have a "good death", which basically means treating terminally ill patients with care and with them company or honor them in a way which makes dying actually feel like it has a point to them. Not just writing wills etc, but going a bit further than that. The people who work with that I think are truly wonderful. It takes a lot of compassion. There was this really funny story once I read about this really bitter woman who hated religion and had no family who was terminally ill with cancer, and her "good death" companion turned out to be a nun. "Oh great," she thought. But, turns out they were both really into hiking and skydiving. They got along very well based on those interests. The nun would decorate her room with stuff she liked related to skydiving and other things and stayed with this woman until she died. I think that is a good or better way to think about death. Or just, people with disability or elders. Even if they aren't dying anytime soon, just giving people compassion for the life they lived and let them be surrounded by that.
My grandfather got into his mid 90s before he died of natural causes. My father died in his late 50s. So in my family, it is really both. You either die young or very old. I wonder what my grandpa did or what he thought about his age, if he even thought about it. I never really got to talk to him as an adult because he died before that. I have only heard things afterwards of what his 'real' opinions were regarding some family members, and he was a lot more clever than I knew back then. See, I have a sort of extra grandma who is still alive and I call her every birthday and christmas. She is pretty much the only person from my past life I still have a connection with. She was close to my father, and she even spoke to my grandpa sometimes before he died. She told me a couple of things he had said, that he kind of admitted that he must have spoiled his own daughter (my mother) because he did not like the way my brother was talking to my father. And that it must have come from him. I don't know what he was like as a father to his children. My mother's sister seemed to suffer a lot emotionally, and suffered with alcoholism. She was always kind of nice to me, but apparently not so nice to other people in her life. She would try and call my mother up when she was drunk, and my mother would ignore her or get annoyed. I haven't seen her in forever, I don't know if she is even alive anymore. One of her son's had been a drug addict, and also had treated his family quite weirdly. He died quite young, I think in his late 30s or early 40s. His body had apparently given up from years of intense drug use. He had been clean for a while, but his body had just been torn apart. One particular thing about him I remember was...he had this beautiful dog. Super friendly and kind. I think she was a border collie mix. I only saw her once and she was so cute. When he died, she was about 2-3 years old. The thing is...in his will, he had written that if she died that he wanted them to euthanize her. I don't know the reason why. She could have easily been kept alive and stayed with his dad who have had dogs in the past. I...don't know why, but it disturbs me. Not just for the dog's life, but for his reasoning. Maybe he felt like he didn't want to be alone after he died? But, couldn't he just have waited a few years and let her live her young life with his father? Or maybe he knew something I didn't. Couldn't he had written on his will that he didn't want his dad to not have the dog and give it up to someone else? I don't know and probably never will know. Even my dad thought that it was a weird thing, and thought that she could have stayed with his father.
...my real grandma, meaning my mother's and her sister's mother, I have no memories of meeting. I asked my dad if she was similar to my mother. He had said that they were very, very similar. It...makes sense. My mother, when we did speak when I was younger, did tell me that they were very close. My father said the same, but...that they were also kind of...excluding? Cult-ish? They wouldn't talk to my father's family. Excluding them to keep with one another. It makes sense. I've seen this dynamic continue to play out again. Craziness runs in my family, along with mental health issues and lethal relationship dynamics. Can you imagine? Considering how crazy I turned out to be, can you imagine for a second what the rest of my family is like?
Honestly...maybe I should stop writing about it here and instead write a book and try and make money out of just talking about the insane dynamics that happens in my family and make some money, lol. It's honestly not a bad idea. I would like to keep them anonymous though, I don't want to give them any trouble. Despite them, I don't think they deserve it. It will only make things worse.
To be fair, I could be lying now. How would you know that I'm just not making all of these things up? You never experienced it. This is only letters and texts you are reading. Why get so emotional and reactive over some text?
07:30 PM: I tried walking outside for a bit, but I just couldn't. I could barely get out more than 30 minutes. So many people. So much shame I just can't think straight. I feel like I've ruined my life and my dreams.
The people around me, they are good people. I hate the fact that they like me, because it feels like I'm lying to them. Everytime I relapse I'm reminded of who I was. Of the images I posted, they might still be around. I don't know why. I fucking hate the fact that I was brought up with the internet with no guide. I hate my family for using me. But most importantly, I hate myself for who I am. I cannot be that person other people believe I am, because I have already ruined my life. Nobody wants to see or listen to an actual pervert, not any 'normal' person anyway. If things weren't published or on the internet, I could have maybe survived. Because then I wouldn't have to deal with peoples ideas of who I am. Of gossip. Of this mob culure. I can't be famous. I never want to become famous, because the eventual downfall of that specific fame will kill me. It will destroy me and I can't handle it. I was a teenager, but this society don't care. I was young, but this society don't care. And it is my fault, because I didn't know any better. I went too far, and I will always have to pay that price. Nobody, absolutely nobody will listen to me. Apart from the people who don't actually care about me. Nobody will believe me that I've changed because nobody can believe anybody making something so disgusting could ever become something clean or happy. Because I will always be a source of astonishment and 'what not to do' in this society. Because I've fucked up. I've fucked up so badly that I can never become that thing I want to be. Because my past is on display for everyone, and so seems to be my future. On display for a society which doesn't believe that someone like that can change. That someone like that doesn't deserve to exist. That someone like that is forever going to be that disgusting, lousy, perverted, and creepy guy.
The more I show my vulnerability, the more I am ridiculed by the same people who jack off to me and my past. They already hate me for what I am and they laugh at me and my weirdness. This torture, this body, this society and most and foremost me, is like a following spirit behind me that extorts every single piece of joy I used to feel for this life.
Thankfully, I'm not yet famous. I hope to never be. Maybe I...can just rest for a few years. And then decide. But I don't have much time for rest, as unfortunetly, I have to keep living. This world wants me to continue living. I'm so scared. So scared of this world. I've tried so hard to leave this past behind me, but I don't know if I can. Because this world doesn't allow me to. This world wants to ridicule me. I'm sadly not enough of a psychopath to not care about other's peoples opinions of me, because since they like me I feel guilty that they do. Feel guilty that I want them to like me. The difference is that I now want actual nice people to like me. But if they all of this about me, I'm 100% sure they would leave me.
Maybe, just maybe, in writing and just writing. I could be left in peace. I don't know.
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4 August 2026
Sarah D. Love: Yesterday I started wondering what happened to those people who used to post, say, NSFW art online or porn and then stopped. Like Tumblr 2014-2020 or on Reddit, DeviantArt, 4chan etc. How old where they? What position in their life where they in then? Are they still around? Are they still posting? Maybe they aren't online anymore? Back then, there was essentially no rules on what you could post online. A lot of really weird stuff was posted and it apparead at the front pages which basically everyone could see. No wonder people got hooked on porn etc. The culture of the internet is different now. Rarely do you get websites for art now that are simply that you post the artwork and people look at it. Now, with sites like twitter (x) and bsky you basically interact with your audience on a much closer way than before. People even make Discord servers for specific artists or content creators. I could never do that. I rarely interacted with people through DMs, even when they wrote to me. I was too anxious and awkward. I would joke around at times, but people took that too literally and would sometimes get mad. Sometimes, I did go too far however and shouldn't have said or posted it. I would delete it eventually, like most things.
Someone I used to live with years ago I think was a 4Chan user. I would walk into his room with like 3 monitors and 50+ tabs and see a 4Chan page on one of them. I have no clue what he would look at. But, I sometimes remember he would make kind of weird "jokes" about certain topics which I now see usually comes from people who are, say chronically online. Eventually he went to therapy, got diagnosed, got treatment, and seems to be in a better place now. It's not like I'm one to judge. I don't think he is a bad person. But we aren't particulary close. We rarely talk now. I wouldn't even say we have any kind of relationship now. He was quite mean to me. And I was mean back at times. But I would just try and avoid things. They got annoyed at that. He was severely depressed I can now see. And there are probably a lot of things I don't know about him and never will. But I respect that. He doesn't need to tell me.
A lot of things I used to see like shows or stories, whatever, I now think back to and find it quite nasty. Or it just reminds me of bad things. Like I now know what is going on behind it all. I used to be quite "edgy" in a way, without even realising or trying. I've always felt missunderstood as a person and human being. I didn't understand what I did to offend people at times, but I do now. And I was wrong. I never meant to offend people. But, I grew up extremely isolated and basically only had the internet as refuge. I have no clue what the people who met me back then would think of me if they saw me now. Maybe I don't want to know? It doesn't matter. I just want to leave them alone and hope they live a good life.
Sometimes it feels like...saying sorry is a way of other people knowing that you are vulnarble an able to use you. Other times, it feels neccesary. Other times, it feels like it doesn't matter. I can only say it so much. It's hard for me to move on. But, I need to somehow do it. Can anyone else relate to this?
2 August 2026:
Sarah D. Love: Woke up today with major anxiety. Like an impending panic attack. A feeling in my stomach which I want to just go away. However, instead of acting out I went to the bathroom and ate something afterwards. And I thought about this blog, actually. Got to work.
This is a weird thought, but lately I've been thinking about this one game creator whose games I really like. He's an independant game creator who released a video game he created with only the help of like, 2-3 other people and it has now sold over 10 million copies and is currently creating and releasing its sequals. He's a very private person, rarely doing interviews. I'm around his age right now in which he released this video game. As much as I admire him, I just can't help but feel a sense of...jealousy? I know it is stupid. But, having such a big hit seller of anything creative created on your own and making such an impactful story reaching millions and having total freedom to do whatever they want...and just...do it. It's impressive.
In the past, I would have been one of those people who would have tried to chase him down and try and convince him about my great ideas or try and be like him. To try and create something that is as impactful as he made. I would try and create these strange stories in RPG maker and punish myself for not being him. But...the older I get, the more I am thankful I didn't "become him" because I feel like I been starting to grow out of that entire "nerd culture" world a little bit. I've read the term "terminally online" and I guess that could go for me to. The older I get, the more I see how young his fanbase and fanbases online generally is. I still like the games, don't get me wrong. But I'm just not involved in fan and stan-culture like I used to be. And honestly, that's a good thing. It was turning me into an asshole. I would chase fame and even infamy sometimes because that is what I thought I needed to do in order to be successful, I needed to be "seen" and popular. It took me away from my work. It's bs btw. I used to think what I posted online didn't matter and it didn't really impact people much, but this is totally untrue. This goes for the porn as well.
Still, sometimes I wish I could just sit down with this dude and have a small conversation with him. Just ask him about video games, creativity, privacy and even coding. I do have a little experience with coding considering i code this blog lol. I sometimes wonder how the instant success and massive fanbase affected him, how he kept himself private and just, if he is okay? But, this will probably never happen. And I respect that. Respect his privacy. I think we really need to learn that more. I certainly did, just learn to leave people alone no matter who they are.
Is it too late to even consider making games again? I don't know. I will never be him. But, maybe that is the point? Trying to be him would just make things bad. I think he wouldn't like it either. ...if I did create something, would he like it? I don't think his target audience, if I were to create something, is the same as mine. But that's fine.
I suppose I'm a creative soul. But...I don't know. I am not sure what I want at the moment. If I've already ruined my life enough. I no longer want to be famous or want to chase it. It is not worth it. I used to study at an art school when I was younger. After I basically ran away from home at around 18. It was my escape. I made weird things. I didn't drink and I didn't smoke so I thought I was fine. Total bs. I was watching porn around 3-10 times a day and it only got more extreme. That was my coping mechanism. Still probably is in a way. I still thought "everybody does it" and that it wasn't excessive. That i was "exploring my sexuality", ugh. If I could talk to my younger self, I would have told them to seek rehab and that "this isn't going away, you are not going to grow out of it. Seek treatment and rehab online. Talk to someone."
Now when I think about it...I did actually try. Multiple times, to stop. I even told various therapists this and they also said "I would grow out of it" or didn't see it as a problem. To be fair, at the time, I did not present it as a problem to them but just something that I did. I think I didn't say everything on purpose at the hope that I would "grow out of it". I reached out to reddit forums and other stuff to try and stop. By myself. Discipline, was the problem, they said. I would post porn art, then delete. Post porn art, then delete. Multiple times. I would download porn and save images on folders, keeping them and almost being "nostalgic" over those images. Oh, this one I saved back in 2020. This one in 2021. On this one from back then. I would get "infatuated" with certain fictional characters or content creators and try and draw characters from their bodies or charactaristics. I would try and find porn that reminded me of these people and imagine them in those scenarios. I never shared these images online, however. I deleted them and would always feel ashamed once I got out of the 'haze'. "This is my secret, nobody must know," I would think. "I'm not hurting anybody, right?" I would go back to images and characters I saw back when I was 12-14 and fantasize about again. Bringing me back to that...weird sense of comfort? All alone with just myself and the porn, in sercret, giving relief to the anxiety and pain. My coping mechanism. I kept telling myself that i would "grow out of it." until I realized it wasn't going to happen and that I needed proper help. Everything I did before didn't help.
...yes, I don't think I'm the right target audience for this gaming creator if I write stuff like this.
Or...maybe? Maybe not openly, but I suspect that a lot his fanbase, like most of the more "extreme" fans who are online 24/7 are also porn addicts or will become porn addicts if they keep staying online so much and don't seek help. But not everyone. It's quite a toxic culture. My advice to anyone is: Never join fandom discord servers and just look at the art and follow the game. Fandoms can really act like drug addicts sometimes and always seek a deeper hit from their creator and media.
Maybe I don't want to be him after all?
Update to a few hours later in the evening: A part of me right now wants to die. To not be seen by anyone. To go to a place where I can no longer hurt anybody. Where I no longer can make any wrongs or right. I know it is irrational. I hate the fact that I care so much about other's peoples opinions. I don't want to scare the friends that I do have with these thoughts and problems. I hate the fact that I'm like this. Like I'm just made to be selfish and sex/fantasy crazed. I hate the thought of people believing that I'm a monster or want to hurt others. I don't want to hurt anybody. I'm so scared that that's what I do.
...I'm going to go look for an online meeting to attend.
Update one hour later: I attended the meeting and we did a short meditation and just put on my headphones and listened to the others. I feel better now. They said something about putting principle over personality. That does feel better in my case. But, I just wonder if I'd be a hypocrite if I tried doing something like that? Or am I doing the same thing now, by thinking like that, that I put my personality over my principle? I don't know.
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1 August 2026:
Question: How are you?
Sarah D. Love: Doing okay at the moment. But honestly, I was suicidal this morning. It goes back and forth a lot. Trying to cook something for myself. And of course, instead of getting out of bed and buying groceries this morning, the first thing my brain goes towards is porn. I hate it, but at the moment it feels "good" in the sense that it slightly escapes me from my depression. I feel so selfish, and I keep thinking nowadays what my friends and people around me would think if they knew the extent of my addiction? I know it's disgusting, but I don't know how to stop. I really want to, but another selfish part of me just wants to "feel good". I deleted a bunch of videos and images of my PC again, for the 50th time or something. But...better to try then to give up completely, right?
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Free support groups and 12-steps programs:
Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA): Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A): Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA): Alcoholics Anonymous.
Marijuana Anonymous (MA): Marijuana Anonymous.
Narcotics Anonymous (NA): Narcotics Anonymous.
Keep in mind that all of these 12-steps groups are based on the AA green book. There is almost a guarantee that there exists some sort of AA-type meeting with whatever you are struggling with, so just search on the internet until you find something that speaks to you. These are non-profit organistions, and I highly advice you seek support groups that do NOT accept money from big organizations or corporations.
If you experience suicidal thoughts or are in some sort of mental health crisis, there exists almost certainly some kind of suicide hotline or anonymous chat you can reach out to. But please, seek professional help as well. You need all the help you can get, no matter how hard it is. Here are some numbers from various countries taken from this therecover.com article:
United States: 988 for suicide and crisis hotlines in the U.S. 911 for emergancy.
Mexico: 800 911 2000 for Línea de la Vida or 55 5533 5533 on whatsapp. 911 for emergancy.
Brazil: 188 For Lifeline, open 24/7.
Canada: 988 for suicide and crisis hotline. 911 for emergancy.
United Kingdom: 116 123 for samaritans and 0300 123 6600 for addiction help regarding drugs (FRANK). 911 or 112 for emergancy.
India: 1800-599-0019 For KIRAN Mental Health Helpline and 9999 666 555 for the Vandrevala Foundation.
Germany: 0800 111 0 111, 0800 111 0 222, or 116 123 For TelefonSeelsorge. 01806 313031 for Sucht & Drogen Hotline.
France: 3114 For National suicide crisis line.
Spain: 024 For Suicide prevention line.
Japan: 03-5774-0992 For TELL Lifeline. 0120-279-338 for Yorisoi Hotline
Netherlands: 113 or 0800-0113 For Suicide prevention line.
Belgium: 1813 For Suicide line.
Finland: 09 2525 0111 For MIELI Crisis Helpline.
Sweden: 90101 For Mind Sjalvmordslinjen.
Norway: 116 123 For Mental Helse Hjelpetelefon.
Poland: 800 70 2222 For Centrum Wsparcia open 24/7.
South Africa: 0800 567 567 For SADAG Suicide Crisis Line and 076 882 2775 on WhatsApp.
If you don't feel like talking, then some of these hotlines also have a chat function so you can text them instead. If I did not put your country on the list, then please look up a local suicide line for your country. And a tip from me: Be careful around reddit forums and those deeper on the internet. Reach out to people who are not addicted to social media and online forums. It is important to talk to people outside of your echo chamber if you want to get better.